Diary entry – Eight months and 3 days

Hey Diary,

I know it has been a really long time since we last talked and I am really sorry. A lot has happened since then and i’m really tired. I still do not have the results of my IME, but I know it can take months to get those results back from the insurance company. Work is work, it is hard to do anymore but I go since we can use the money and it keeps me moving. My husband has been a rock in all this and I definitely couldn’t do this without him. I am pretty sure he is the reason I haven’t severed my arm off. Some days are so bad diary that I just want the arm/hand to go away. One day at a time I keep telling myself.

I seen my pain doctor for a checkup to see how the calcitonin is doing. It has cut my severe joint pain in half and that is a relief. Especially since I can’t use my fingers, hand or do much with my arm on the left side. I showed him the medicines I researched for nerve pain that are non addicting but should help. I hate taking drugs but at this point I’ll try it. All these medicines have horrible side affects and can have really bad results if you stop suddenly. He liked Gabapentin and prescribed it to me. I am now on my fifth day of this drug and today I double it.

The one nice thing about Gabapentin is that I can sleep more than an hour at a time. I now get four to five hours at a time. So nice to actually sleep and dream again. I haven’t had a real dream in almost 5 months.

Now the bad part about Gabapentin is that I feel odd and I dislike how dizzy I feel and off-balance.  Hopefully that will lesson as time goes on. My left arm/hand pain has increased since being on it but hopefully it will acclimate to the drug.

Most days diary my pain is at a level seven to eight, if I could get it to a three I think I could live with that.

Also when my left hand gets cold nothing helps and I cannot find a fabric I can stand to touch yet with it.

Wish me luck diary.

One day at a time

May the unicorns never catch you

The left hand exists!!

 

Diary entry – Seven months and 21 days

Dear Diary,

So hard some days, the gnawing, biting and devouring beneath the flesh. Broken glass sliding into the fingertips, messing with your sanity. I can feel the cold creeping into the very essence of it’s being. The left arm/hand exists, it laughs and reminds me everyday it is there. Haunts my tormented sleep, stealing my dreams and Rem. No relief, no separation from…….. there is always separation but I am sure the ghost would still haunt me, mock me from the void.

May the unicorns find you.

The left hand exists!

Diary entry – Seven months and 20 days

Hello Diary,

A lot has happened since we last chatted. I still do not know my results from the IME but hopefully will soon. It is hard not knowing my next step or where to go from here. I am hopeful I will find a job that I enjoy doing, one that allows only one hand to do. Last year I graduated as a phlebotomist and lab technician then was injured at my current job so had to put the medical job  on hold. I do not think I can be a phlebotomist or go back to school now to be a nurse. I do know I can’t be on light duty at my current job forever so will have to find something else eventually. I am just happy to be earning some income at the moment.

The previous Monday I was kicked in my the leg and then  hand/arm by a shoplifter and I couldn’t believe the pain that ensued from that. Also the fact she nailed me in the wrist area of my already messed up arm/hand. The whole week the pain levels have been in the nines and tens.  I am no longer on night shift right now and moved to mornings. I am sure the assault had something to do with my schedule change. There are just so many shoplifters that come through our store and I am not sure how I am expected to stop them. I just have to do my best and not get hit again.

I am very lucky to have the support and love of my family and as long as I remember that I will be okay and can get through this.

Thank you for listening Diary, until next time.

May the unicorns never find you

The left hand exists!