Diary entry – Seven months and 1 day

Hey Diary,

Been a long week and sleep has been sketchy at best. I really do miss sleeping longer than two or three hours at a time.

My hand and arm feels like I rolled it in glass shards a lot today and it is cold but half asleep and achy . So weird that it can have so many different things going on.

sometimes I feel like it needs to go but I know that is not the solution but saying it out loud makes the statement feel absurd. anyways time to go to work, talk to you soon.

One day at a time

May the unicorns never see you coming

Diary entry – Six months and 24 days

Dear Diary,

Sorry for the lapse in time it has been hard to want to write. But I must at least try even on the really bad days. Lack of sleep and constant pain fill every day and adjusting to not being able to do many things because of this is a bit depressing. It is a life altering thing that not only you have to adjust to but also your family and it is pretty humbling when you need to have your teenage daughter help you get your shoes on everyday.  Went without sleep for two days last week but I have managed a few hours here and there so can’t complain. Some sleep is better than none. New years eve was a level 10 or more and I am pretty sure Christmas and holiday work had caught up with me and it was just super tired and done with life overall that day. Not sure how the pain scale is working anymore, I mean if you are in constant pain doesn’t the level rise since your tolerance increases? I am sure it is wonky after a while.

Had physical therapy as well today and it was rough but they usually are and my shoulder motion is getting better so that is a plus. The hot wax bath felt seriously hotter than usual today.

I did finally get through to one of my workman comp doctors and have an appointment. I really hope he lets me try a few of the drugs that help with nerve pain and also sleep is a side affect, (wouldn’t that be nice). I found a couple that are non addicting but help with chronic pain. But we will see, I am a month away from my appointment.

Anyways Diary I must go to work now.

One day at a time

May the unicorns never catch you

Diary Entry – Six months and ten days

I know, I know I was supposed to write yesterday and it isn’t a good excuse but I really didn’t feel up to writing. Went To physical therapy and after the hot wax treatment and muscle skills, I was pretty unhappy and then spent six hours at work on light duty. I have split days off so today I am going Christmas shopping with my family and then tomorrow back to work until Monday. Happy we get Christmas off plus I technically get that day off anyways.

I tried cannabis oil (hemp oil) on my arm and hand to see if that would help with a bit of lavender mixed in it. It made it colder and didn’t seem to help after a week and the sensitive skin, nerve part hated it.  I didn’t break out like I did with the aspercream with lidocain in it, thank goodness.  I could have tried the oil a bit longer I suppose but it increased the pain and creepy crawly effect.

I dislike the compression glove sleeve thing, it is so hard to find a fabric the  allodynia and cold hyperalgesia accepts against the skin.

One day at a time diary, one day at a time.

May the unicorns never catch you 



Diary entry – Six months and eight days

It has been six months and eight days since my left hand stopped listening to me,  It is still attached to my arm and has a mind of its own.  I think about three months into the process I started realizing my loss and the fact that my doctors were asking me why I haven’t healed properly “yet”(I am imagining air quotes here).  It was still swelling and bruising along with interesting color shades.  I am in excruciating  pain and I did ask for help  with that but was told that it was “to late in the game for pain killers.” I wasn’t really asking for much I just wanted to sleep at night for more than a few hours at a time if I could fall asleep. I awake nightly ( if I can manage to fall asleep in the first place) with it whispering to me that sleep is useless, and isn’t the ceiling interesting. I have contemplated painting something up there or put up a picture.

The left hand is still swelling  along with turning grotesque colors, and I am still unable to move three fingers on their own.  The middle finger gave up five months ago I haven’t felt anything from it since (Lucky bastard). Having no answers, more tests were ordered and then at the end of 4 and a half months I was diagnosed and this brought more questions to the table that were left unanswered. Actually that isn’t completely true, I was told by the two specialists I was referred to that I had to look it up online and research it to fully understand the condition. I kinda felt I was wasting their time and during all this the pain and swelling continued with no relief (Still waiting on the relief part, I’ll let you know diary as soon as I do).  I have learned that I should not have been put on ice therapy for four and a half months of ice therapy for the swelling. I was icing three to four times daily for 20 minutes each. Especially at work, even light duty is hard but I need to make money still. I am hoping to hold my job a bit longer since I am undesirable for another company. Minimum wage is better than nothing even if it is 12 to 18 hours a week. I do miss my 40 hour a week paychecks.

The entirety of the process I have been given nothing for the creepy crawlies and the feeling I rolled my left hand in glass shards and decided to leave them there. The severe joint pain has been eased some by an inhalant I take daily. At least physical therapy it is a bit easier to move my joints with the inhalant. (I so dislike the 10’s unit and I don’t think it is helping).  Well my thumb works and I can move my first finger (index) most days. Some days I try not to use it because of the glass shard feeling and swelling. (I have hypertensive skin, which means everything hurts it.) Like air, cold, materials, seams from materials and apparently sleep. I do have to wear a compression glove type sleeve thing. By the way, nothing is truly seamless, well what I can afford isn’t anyways.

On that diary, it is quite a conundrum on the swelling and making my left hand do anything.  I must make it move even if I help it move to keep the joints from locking up, but if I do that it swells and I am told swelling is a killer. I have to move the hand to not lose it but if I do it swells. See the dilemma, how can I stop the swelling if I have to use it. Both are terrible, terrible things but I make it move since I am more afraid of losing my left hand more. (There are days mind you diary, of dark thoughts on that but that is another day of explanation.)

I should really come up with a name for my left hand other than “it” . All I know diary is I am still researching and trying to find answers and coming to terms with this thing I have attached to me. All I can say at the moment Diary is “One day at a time.”

also diary cold hyperalgesia sucks and so does allodynia.

There is a lot to catch up on diary and it has to wait till next time, see you tomorrow.

May the unicorns never catch you