Diary entry – Seven months and 1 day

Hey Diary,

Been a long week and sleep has been sketchy at best. I really do miss sleeping longer than two or three hours at a time.

My hand and arm feels like I rolled it in glass shards a lot today and it is cold but half asleep and achy . So weird that it can have so many different things going on.

sometimes I feel like it needs to go but I know that is not the solution but saying it out loud makes the statement feel absurd. anyways time to go to work, talk to you soon.

One day at a time

May the unicorns never see you coming

Diary entry – Six months and 24 days

Dear Diary,

Sorry for the lapse in time it has been hard to want to write. But I must at least try even on the really bad days. Lack of sleep and constant pain fill every day and adjusting to not being able to do many things because of this is a bit depressing. It is a life altering thing that not only you have to adjust to but also your family and it is pretty humbling when you need to have your teenage daughter help you get your shoes on everyday.  Went without sleep for two days last week but I have managed a few hours here and there so can’t complain. Some sleep is better than none. New years eve was a level 10 or more and I am pretty sure Christmas and holiday work had caught up with me and it was just super tired and done with life overall that day. Not sure how the pain scale is working anymore, I mean if you are in constant pain doesn’t the level rise since your tolerance increases? I am sure it is wonky after a while.

Had physical therapy as well today and it was rough but they usually are and my shoulder motion is getting better so that is a plus. The hot wax bath felt seriously hotter than usual today.

I did finally get through to one of my workman comp doctors and have an appointment. I really hope he lets me try a few of the drugs that help with nerve pain and also sleep is a side affect, (wouldn’t that be nice). I found a couple that are non addicting but help with chronic pain. But we will see, I am a month away from my appointment.

Anyways Diary I must go to work now.

One day at a time

May the unicorns never catch you

Diary entry – Six months and nineteen days

Hello Diary,

Been a little busy the last few days, Work Tuesday was a bit rough and wasn’t able to do much. But my bosses didn’t say anything so maybe that might be a good thing.  Went home after work, hung out with family and sleep was spotty but better than nothing.

Wednesday early morning had Physical therapy and it was painful but managed though it. The 10’s unit is rough and I did pull the tendon in my thumb. Happy I didn’t dislocate it but will have to work on keeping the muscles in my left arm as strong as possible. I came home and actually had a little nap it was really nice. I took extra Tylenol and Advil and went to town with my family it was nice that my arm was actually behaving itself a little.  It was a bit tired when I came home but I knew it would be like that. watched the new Blade runner it was pretty good but my left arm was feeling weird, it was really sluggish and a weird deep ache.  I checked my heart rate and it had dropped to 30 bpm so I am guessing that had something to do with it. Sleep was sketchy but a few hours is better than none.

Thursday was a bit hectic, been playing phone tag with the workman comp doctors but I think I will need to wait until after the new year now for any appointments or getting back to me at all. Wednesday (The third) I see my doctor and I am having her go through all the papers and diagnoses and see what she thinks about them wanting to cut the nerves and put a wire by my spine. I do not trust any of these doctors and it will make me feel better to have her opinion even if I have to pay for it.  My arm is not happy at all and feels like hot glass all over it and the pain is radiating into my shoulder.  My fingers really, seriously hurt and then realized in my rush to try and finish phone tag and getting ready for work I forgot to take my calcitonin.  It was to late to take and had to wait till the next day to resume taking it. I have to remember it is okay to be sad sometimes. At work I do try very hard to hide it.

So if you forget to take your calcitonin nasal spray the severe joint pain returns quickly and it made sleep very difficult and my hand swelled during the night and was a nice purple color. (So instead of 50% pain alleviation you get the whole 100% if you forget to take it). Yay.

Hello Friday (today) and I still have my arm attached to me. I remembered my spray and hopefully it kicks in soon.  I am headed to work now and will update soon for today.

One day at a time

May the unicorns catch you

Diary entry – Six months and sixteen days

Hello Diary,

It has been a couple of days since I have checked in but I have been spending time with the family. It was nice, it has been a while since I had seen my parents and in-laws.

I took a lot of Aleve and Advil these past few days and sleep has been spotty at best.  Last night I contemplated losing the hand completely up to the elbow, but I didn’t and I am preparing for work tonight. Hopefully it will be slow and uneventful.

I do think something is wrong with it (left hand), I have less control of the thumb and index finger and I used to be able to hold a piece of paper with them. I have physical therapy in the morning so hopefully I will know more then. The crawlies are in full force today along with that deep pain I mentioned yesterday. I left a message for my Workman comp doctors so hopefully one of them will get back to me this week.

It has been a long week Diary and I am very tired, I am so blessed to have a great husband and kids. He has been amazing through all of this.

I will let you know tomorrow diary, how work tonight went and how physical therapy goes.

One day at a time Diary, one day at a time.

May the unicorns never catch you.

Diary entry – Six months and fourteen days

Dear Diary,

Thanks for being patient, it has been a busy weekend and work has been a bit hectic.  Let’s start with Friday it was busy and I had to deal with many shoplifters and of course help customers but I managed one break during my shift.  I am also there to help the cashiers with what I can manage with one hand, simple tasks like running light things back to their departments, make coffee, collect baskets, check receipts, fill the gallon water jug (The sink is up a flight of stairs) and make sure the parking lot is safe. A lot to do by yourself but usually there is another person, so I can get the three breaks a shift mandated by my physical therapist. All week I have managed one since it is so busy. My store manager also loses my doctor notes and other papers and every so often I have to give her copies to remind her.  I did get five hours of straight sleep so was quite happy with that. Especially since my arm and hand were quite unhappy with me.

Saturday, was insane at work it was super busy and there wasn’t anybody to cover my breaks. It is the day before Christmas Eve so it was expected to be extra busy but still not sure why I was the only door/security person on duty that night. (Well, I know why but I’m not going to say anything about the store manager). Let’s just say she is forgetful. I had to follow a lot of people that night and at one time I had a group of five to keep an eye on and that was tricky, just had to keep running from one side to the other side of the store.  Then another person did take something and had to try and get them to give it back and kick them out.  Then had another couple trying to stuff their purse with items, stopped them and had them leave the store. Plus like I stated earlier for Friday I have to do all the tasks cashiers need done  since it was really busy. Their breaks were even cut in half because of the amount of people in the store.

My hand and arm swelled and the pain went clear through my Scapula and  along my cervical vertebrae down through  to the first thoracic vertebrae on the left side. (Did I mention I graduated school this year as a Phlebotomist/Lab technician before my injury.)  Anyways I was working at my current place (Where the injury occurred) until I could get hired by a company to do phlebotomy and the plan was to go back to school and be a nurse. Forensics eventually, but I have to rethink that career choice now and pay off student loans. At this point I cannot even return to the kitchen and be a cook right now, that is how I ended up on light duty.

Sleeping was spotty and My left arm was swollen and painful. There was a deep pain this time all through the wrist, fingers up through the shoulder to spine. I am guessing it is because I didn’t take care of myself very well Saturday, but I really can’t afford to lose this job.

So Diary, going through a whole work shift is very difficult without breaks and I have a feeling my thumb is dislocated on my injured hand since Saturday , it has been making a painful popping noise and it doesn’t want to move very well. (Not quite sure how I did that and just hoping it is a very tired hand). Wednesday I have physical therapy so will have them fix it since I need permission to go to the Er.  Anyways it is late and I will catch up Tuesday since the next two days I will be spending it with family.

Have a Merry Christmas.

One day at a time and May the unicorns never catch you.

Diary entry – Six months and eleven days

Hello Diary getting my entry in before work. I did sleep for a few hours last night and then at four in the morning my left hand jolted me right out of sleep. Those are one of the worst things being woken up by the pain, it is somewhat unsettling. I had tremors and deep pain from my shoulder to the tips of my fingers, not much I can do about it until I can manage to fall asleep again, which I did about eight o clock for a few more hours. So nice to get that nap, especially since I work today.  I know the Four Aleve are trying to help, it’s something at least.

Now to bundle up, working in the doorway is freezing and getting the hand cold is painful. I wear the compression glove and then the compression sleeve over that and then next with the softest mitten I could find (It’s not but has to do). I put my warm jacket on and then I have a wool sleeve with a thumb-hole to cover the layers. On especially cold days I use a little hot hands packet to ward off a bit more of the nippy air. It sits nicely under the very top layer, since i don’t want it against the skin.  It is three degrees out right now so I will be bundling up the left hand a bit more than usual.

I miss the days when I didn’t have to worry about things like this or having to deal with it twenty-four seven. I know I’m not alone but some days it can feel really lonely. “Sigh” I best be going I will update you when I return from work if I have the energy.

One day at a time

May the unicorns never catch you 


Diary Entry – Six months and ten days

I know, I know I was supposed to write yesterday and it isn’t a good excuse but I really didn’t feel up to writing. Went To physical therapy and after the hot wax treatment and muscle skills, I was pretty unhappy and then spent six hours at work on light duty. I have split days off so today I am going Christmas shopping with my family and then tomorrow back to work until Monday. Happy we get Christmas off plus I technically get that day off anyways.

I tried cannabis oil (hemp oil) on my arm and hand to see if that would help with a bit of lavender mixed in it. It made it colder and didn’t seem to help after a week and the sensitive skin, nerve part hated it.  I didn’t break out like I did with the aspercream with lidocain in it, thank goodness.  I could have tried the oil a bit longer I suppose but it increased the pain and creepy crawly effect.

I dislike the compression glove sleeve thing, it is so hard to find a fabric the  allodynia and cold hyperalgesia accepts against the skin.

One day at a time diary, one day at a time.

May the unicorns never catch you 



Diary entry – Six months and eight days

It has been six months and eight days since my left hand stopped listening to me,  It is still attached to my arm and has a mind of its own.  I think about three months into the process I started realizing my loss and the fact that my doctors were asking me why I haven’t healed properly “yet”(I am imagining air quotes here).  It was still swelling and bruising along with interesting color shades.  I am in excruciating  pain and I did ask for help  with that but was told that it was “to late in the game for pain killers.” I wasn’t really asking for much I just wanted to sleep at night for more than a few hours at a time if I could fall asleep. I awake nightly ( if I can manage to fall asleep in the first place) with it whispering to me that sleep is useless, and isn’t the ceiling interesting. I have contemplated painting something up there or put up a picture.

The left hand is still swelling  along with turning grotesque colors, and I am still unable to move three fingers on their own.  The middle finger gave up five months ago I haven’t felt anything from it since (Lucky bastard). Having no answers, more tests were ordered and then at the end of 4 and a half months I was diagnosed and this brought more questions to the table that were left unanswered. Actually that isn’t completely true, I was told by the two specialists I was referred to that I had to look it up online and research it to fully understand the condition. I kinda felt I was wasting their time and during all this the pain and swelling continued with no relief (Still waiting on the relief part, I’ll let you know diary as soon as I do).  I have learned that I should not have been put on ice therapy for four and a half months of ice therapy for the swelling. I was icing three to four times daily for 20 minutes each. Especially at work, even light duty is hard but I need to make money still. I am hoping to hold my job a bit longer since I am undesirable for another company. Minimum wage is better than nothing even if it is 12 to 18 hours a week. I do miss my 40 hour a week paychecks.

The entirety of the process I have been given nothing for the creepy crawlies and the feeling I rolled my left hand in glass shards and decided to leave them there. The severe joint pain has been eased some by an inhalant I take daily. At least physical therapy it is a bit easier to move my joints with the inhalant. (I so dislike the 10’s unit and I don’t think it is helping).  Well my thumb works and I can move my first finger (index) most days. Some days I try not to use it because of the glass shard feeling and swelling. (I have hypertensive skin, which means everything hurts it.) Like air, cold, materials, seams from materials and apparently sleep. I do have to wear a compression glove type sleeve thing. By the way, nothing is truly seamless, well what I can afford isn’t anyways.

On that diary, it is quite a conundrum on the swelling and making my left hand do anything.  I must make it move even if I help it move to keep the joints from locking up, but if I do that it swells and I am told swelling is a killer. I have to move the hand to not lose it but if I do it swells. See the dilemma, how can I stop the swelling if I have to use it. Both are terrible, terrible things but I make it move since I am more afraid of losing my left hand more. (There are days mind you diary, of dark thoughts on that but that is another day of explanation.)

I should really come up with a name for my left hand other than “it” . All I know diary is I am still researching and trying to find answers and coming to terms with this thing I have attached to me. All I can say at the moment Diary is “One day at a time.”

also diary cold hyperalgesia sucks and so does allodynia.

There is a lot to catch up on diary and it has to wait till next time, see you tomorrow.

May the unicorns never catch you