Diary entry – Eight months and 3 days

Hey Diary,

I know it has been a really long time since we last talked and I am really sorry. A lot has happened since then and i’m really tired. I still do not have the results of my IME, but I know it can take months to get those results back from the insurance company. Work is work, it is hard to do anymore but I go since we can use the money and it keeps me moving. My husband has been a rock in all this and I definitely couldn’t do this without him. I am pretty sure he is the reason I haven’t severed my arm off. Some days are so bad diary that I just want the arm/hand to go away. One day at a time I keep telling myself.

I seen my pain doctor for a checkup to see how the calcitonin is doing. It has cut my severe joint pain in half and that is a relief. Especially since I can’t use my fingers, hand or do much with my arm on the left side. I showed him the medicines I researched for nerve pain that are non addicting but should help. I hate taking drugs but at this point I’ll try it. All these medicines have horrible side affects and can have really bad results if you stop suddenly. He liked Gabapentin and prescribed it to me. I am now on my fifth day of this drug and today I double it.

The one nice thing about Gabapentin is that I can sleep more than an hour at a time. I now get four to five hours at a time. So nice to actually sleep and dream again. I haven’t had a real dream in almost 5 months.

Now the bad part about Gabapentin is that I feel odd and I dislike how dizzy I feel and off-balance.  Hopefully that will lesson as time goes on. My left arm/hand pain has increased since being on it but hopefully it will acclimate to the drug.

Most days diary my pain is at a level seven to eight, if I could get it to a three I think I could live with that.

Also when my left hand gets cold nothing helps and I cannot find a fabric I can stand to touch yet with it.

Wish me luck diary.

One day at a time

May the unicorns never catch you

The left hand exists!!


Diary entry – Seven months and 21 days

Dear Diary,

So hard some days, the gnawing, biting and devouring beneath the flesh. Broken glass sliding into the fingertips, messing with your sanity. I can feel the cold creeping into the very essence of it’s being. The left arm/hand exists, it laughs and reminds me everyday it is there. Haunts my tormented sleep, stealing my dreams and Rem. No relief, no separation from…….. there is always separation but I am sure the ghost would still haunt me, mock me from the void.

May the unicorns find you.

The left hand exists!

Diary entry – Seven months and 20 days

Hello Diary,

A lot has happened since we last chatted. I still do not know my results from the IME but hopefully will soon. It is hard not knowing my next step or where to go from here. I am hopeful I will find a job that I enjoy doing, one that allows only one hand to do. Last year I graduated as a phlebotomist and lab technician then was injured at my current job so had to put the medical job  on hold. I do not think I can be a phlebotomist or go back to school now to be a nurse. I do know I can’t be on light duty at my current job forever so will have to find something else eventually. I am just happy to be earning some income at the moment.

The previous Monday I was kicked in my the leg and then  hand/arm by a shoplifter and I couldn’t believe the pain that ensued from that. Also the fact she nailed me in the wrist area of my already messed up arm/hand. The whole week the pain levels have been in the nines and tens.  I am no longer on night shift right now and moved to mornings. I am sure the assault had something to do with my schedule change. There are just so many shoplifters that come through our store and I am not sure how I am expected to stop them. I just have to do my best and not get hit again.

I am very lucky to have the support and love of my family and as long as I remember that I will be okay and can get through this.

Thank you for listening Diary, until next time.

May the unicorns never find you

The left hand exists!


Diary entry – Seven months and 11 day

Dear Diary,

It has been a hectic week and it was a very painful time. Not only physically but emotionally as well. I really hate how hard this is on my family and all the changes that have to be made since I am unable to do quite a few things now. It is definitely a work in progress and learning my limitations and figuring out how to manage everyday activities. Some activities, I was surprised I could no longer do on my own, and grateful my family has been a tremendous help.

I had my IME this weekend and I was very nervous and a bit frightened, since I had to get on a plane to go to the appointment. I haven’t flown in thirty years but I did it and made it to the exam. It was weird that I couldn’t ask questions or get the results but that is the nature of it I suppose. I am very unhappy my work will know the results before I do, unfortunately my boss gossips so it is going to be awkward at work. I don’t really talk about my private stuff a lot or my injury in a lot of detail there. Hard enough to look happy every day for the customers without all the fuss and gossiping, besides the less they know the easier it is for me.

It is weird Diary, that one appendage can have so many different symptoms at one time.  I am hoping for good news but it takes up to two weeks for them to review the doctor report and then I get a copy.

Until next time Diary, just one day at a time.

May the unicorns never catch you.

Diary entry – Seven months and 1 day

Hey Diary,

Been a long week and sleep has been sketchy at best. I really do miss sleeping longer than two or three hours at a time.

My hand and arm feels like I rolled it in glass shards a lot today and it is cold but half asleep and achy . So weird that it can have so many different things going on.

sometimes I feel like it needs to go but I know that is not the solution but saying it out loud makes the statement feel absurd. anyways time to go to work, talk to you soon.

One day at a time

May the unicorns never see you coming

Diary entry – Six months and 24 days

Dear Diary,

Sorry for the lapse in time it has been hard to want to write. But I must at least try even on the really bad days. Lack of sleep and constant pain fill every day and adjusting to not being able to do many things because of this is a bit depressing. It is a life altering thing that not only you have to adjust to but also your family and it is pretty humbling when you need to have your teenage daughter help you get your shoes on everyday.  Went without sleep for two days last week but I have managed a few hours here and there so can’t complain. Some sleep is better than none. New years eve was a level 10 or more and I am pretty sure Christmas and holiday work had caught up with me and it was just super tired and done with life overall that day. Not sure how the pain scale is working anymore, I mean if you are in constant pain doesn’t the level rise since your tolerance increases? I am sure it is wonky after a while.

Had physical therapy as well today and it was rough but they usually are and my shoulder motion is getting better so that is a plus. The hot wax bath felt seriously hotter than usual today.

I did finally get through to one of my workman comp doctors and have an appointment. I really hope he lets me try a few of the drugs that help with nerve pain and also sleep is a side affect, (wouldn’t that be nice). I found a couple that are non addicting but help with chronic pain. But we will see, I am a month away from my appointment.

Anyways Diary I must go to work now.

One day at a time

May the unicorns never catch you

Diary entry – Six months and nineteen days

Hello Diary,

Been a little busy the last few days, Work Tuesday was a bit rough and wasn’t able to do much. But my bosses didn’t say anything so maybe that might be a good thing.  Went home after work, hung out with family and sleep was spotty but better than nothing.

Wednesday early morning had Physical therapy and it was painful but managed though it. The 10’s unit is rough and I did pull the tendon in my thumb. Happy I didn’t dislocate it but will have to work on keeping the muscles in my left arm as strong as possible. I came home and actually had a little nap it was really nice. I took extra Tylenol and Advil and went to town with my family it was nice that my arm was actually behaving itself a little.  It was a bit tired when I came home but I knew it would be like that. watched the new Blade runner it was pretty good but my left arm was feeling weird, it was really sluggish and a weird deep ache.  I checked my heart rate and it had dropped to 30 bpm so I am guessing that had something to do with it. Sleep was sketchy but a few hours is better than none.

Thursday was a bit hectic, been playing phone tag with the workman comp doctors but I think I will need to wait until after the new year now for any appointments or getting back to me at all. Wednesday (The third) I see my doctor and I am having her go through all the papers and diagnoses and see what she thinks about them wanting to cut the nerves and put a wire by my spine. I do not trust any of these doctors and it will make me feel better to have her opinion even if I have to pay for it.  My arm is not happy at all and feels like hot glass all over it and the pain is radiating into my shoulder.  My fingers really, seriously hurt and then realized in my rush to try and finish phone tag and getting ready for work I forgot to take my calcitonin.  It was to late to take and had to wait till the next day to resume taking it. I have to remember it is okay to be sad sometimes. At work I do try very hard to hide it.

So if you forget to take your calcitonin nasal spray the severe joint pain returns quickly and it made sleep very difficult and my hand swelled during the night and was a nice purple color. (So instead of 50% pain alleviation you get the whole 100% if you forget to take it). Yay.

Hello Friday (today) and I still have my arm attached to me. I remembered my spray and hopefully it kicks in soon.  I am headed to work now and will update soon for today.

One day at a time

May the unicorns catch you

Diary entry – Six months and sixteen days

Hello Diary,

It has been a couple of days since I have checked in but I have been spending time with the family. It was nice, it has been a while since I had seen my parents and in-laws.

I took a lot of Aleve and Advil these past few days and sleep has been spotty at best.  Last night I contemplated losing the hand completely up to the elbow, but I didn’t and I am preparing for work tonight. Hopefully it will be slow and uneventful.

I do think something is wrong with it (left hand), I have less control of the thumb and index finger and I used to be able to hold a piece of paper with them. I have physical therapy in the morning so hopefully I will know more then. The crawlies are in full force today along with that deep pain I mentioned yesterday. I left a message for my Workman comp doctors so hopefully one of them will get back to me this week.

It has been a long week Diary and I am very tired, I am so blessed to have a great husband and kids. He has been amazing through all of this.

I will let you know tomorrow diary, how work tonight went and how physical therapy goes.

One day at a time Diary, one day at a time.

May the unicorns never catch you.

Diary entry – Six months and fourteen days

Dear Diary,

Thanks for being patient, it has been a busy weekend and work has been a bit hectic.  Let’s start with Friday it was busy and I had to deal with many shoplifters and of course help customers but I managed one break during my shift.  I am also there to help the cashiers with what I can manage with one hand, simple tasks like running light things back to their departments, make coffee, collect baskets, check receipts, fill the gallon water jug (The sink is up a flight of stairs) and make sure the parking lot is safe. A lot to do by yourself but usually there is another person, so I can get the three breaks a shift mandated by my physical therapist. All week I have managed one since it is so busy. My store manager also loses my doctor notes and other papers and every so often I have to give her copies to remind her.  I did get five hours of straight sleep so was quite happy with that. Especially since my arm and hand were quite unhappy with me.

Saturday, was insane at work it was super busy and there wasn’t anybody to cover my breaks. It is the day before Christmas Eve so it was expected to be extra busy but still not sure why I was the only door/security person on duty that night. (Well, I know why but I’m not going to say anything about the store manager). Let’s just say she is forgetful. I had to follow a lot of people that night and at one time I had a group of five to keep an eye on and that was tricky, just had to keep running from one side to the other side of the store.  Then another person did take something and had to try and get them to give it back and kick them out.  Then had another couple trying to stuff their purse with items, stopped them and had them leave the store. Plus like I stated earlier for Friday I have to do all the tasks cashiers need done  since it was really busy. Their breaks were even cut in half because of the amount of people in the store.

My hand and arm swelled and the pain went clear through my Scapula and  along my cervical vertebrae down through  to the first thoracic vertebrae on the left side. (Did I mention I graduated school this year as a Phlebotomist/Lab technician before my injury.)  Anyways I was working at my current place (Where the injury occurred) until I could get hired by a company to do phlebotomy and the plan was to go back to school and be a nurse. Forensics eventually, but I have to rethink that career choice now and pay off student loans. At this point I cannot even return to the kitchen and be a cook right now, that is how I ended up on light duty.

Sleeping was spotty and My left arm was swollen and painful. There was a deep pain this time all through the wrist, fingers up through the shoulder to spine. I am guessing it is because I didn’t take care of myself very well Saturday, but I really can’t afford to lose this job.

So Diary, going through a whole work shift is very difficult without breaks and I have a feeling my thumb is dislocated on my injured hand since Saturday , it has been making a painful popping noise and it doesn’t want to move very well. (Not quite sure how I did that and just hoping it is a very tired hand). Wednesday I have physical therapy so will have them fix it since I need permission to go to the Er.  Anyways it is late and I will catch up Tuesday since the next two days I will be spending it with family.

Have a Merry Christmas.

One day at a time and May the unicorns never catch you.